Another Tuesday rolls around, and I'm doing the exact same thing I've been doing for the past month- nothing. Online college is something I never anticipated, and the lack of human interaction outside of my parents and brother are starting to get to me.
Enter Tinder- they've given Tinder Passport, a premium service exclusive to Tinder Plus and Gold members, to everyone across the globe until April 30th. Naturally, I've taken full advantage of this and gone to Botswana, Tibet, Estonia, Sri Lanka and Sweden like any other normal person. The language barrier has been a challenge, but I've been giving more of an effort to beat that than some of my classes up to this point. A bad thing? Most likely, but it's hard to use Google Translate when you have no idea what language is in the bio. But hot is hot, let's not kid ourselves. If I end up sponsoring someone for their Green Card and swimming in legal fees because of the inevitable divorce following this, don't be too surprised.
If you want to get up to speed on what's been done here before:
Nothing to even make fun of with this one, really just opens my eyes to what women who aren't alcoholics by the time they're 17 look like. Swedish and Italian is about a s deadly of a combination as you'll see in my eyes, Karolina gave off Adriana La Cerva vibes. You know the kind:
I'm supposed to be studying abroad in Manchester during the Fall of 2020, and naturally had to transport myself there to perform some preliminary scouting. Things could definitely be worse, but I was disgusted by the demand of liking beans on toast. I like beans and I fucking love toast, but combine those two things together and I'm irrationally disgusted. Upon further review, I found out that beans on toast is a focal point of a traditional English Breakfast and I guess that makes a little bit of sense because most Brits are still drunk rolling out of bed in the morning after drinking room temperature beer all night. Just throwing random things together in hopes of it satisfying your tastebuds is my typical drunk move because I always will over-order late night food which results in throwing up. But the throw is definitely not a result of drinking shitty booze.
Transported myself to Provo, Utah because I've always had an interest in soaking. Probably about as intimate of an experience available to a human in the world, just stick it in, don't move and stare deep into your partners eyes. If you're lucky maybe some of your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ will hit you from both sides with some mattresses.
I was honestly shocked by the number of young Mormons putting themselves out there on Tinder. Is it a ploy to try and use the power of the pussy to drop everything, become a missionary for two year and spread the good word of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? Most likely, since they've lied about their finances, too.
When I transported myself to Eastern Europe, I expected to see some remnants of the USSR, but I did not expect to see someone naming their feline friend after someone who is constantly compared to Hitler. In America, we tend to name our pets like two lesbians adopting from Uganda, or in my case, a human or athlete. My dog's names are Bradie and Bo, quite clear who they're named after. My brother named his cat Craig, because calling a cat Craig is fucking funny. You can't sound intimidating yelling at a cat named Craig, but you can barking out orders at a cat named Joseph Staline. Makes sense to name your cat after a giant pussy though.
Hate to break your heart Gabriela, but if you're looming for a dashingly handsome 5'7 man rocket, you're shit out of luck. But if you're interested in 5'10 guy who looks good with his shirt on, but a bag of milk with it off, you're in luck!
Motion of the ocean gentlemen, motion of the ocean.
Ever heard of World Wars, Sophia?
Have any Tinder Bios, you'd like to see featured in the blog? Send them to me on Twitter @The1nnKeeper_
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